Manic Confessions

For those of you interested, I am doing my best to chronicle my adventures in Europe.  Right now I am about a week and a half behind in the updates, but I iwll catch up as soon as I have time.

phoenixouroboros.blogspot.com

I am in Germany right now, and off to see the rest of Europe on a 20 country global Eurail pass on my own for a couple months.

Millions upon Millions dominate the waves, the gray, the greens and reds blur with the violets and the yellows, the blues are lost and the orange is ugly, like an old pinto painted so, a shade between tangerine and blood...but it is lost

like the rest of the colors

in a blur of brown

a brown whose beauty is lost

to all those who will not see the colors that compose it, to those whom see no beauty in gray, to those who rely on the colors themselves as anything more than simple signpost.

There's comfort now, they are here now, as in this part of this moment, the comfort returns.

That is about what I want right now, but not just any

A special type in mind I have, a certain friend, a lady

or a girl, maybe; a woman at the very least

more of a grown-up that still is girlish

It doesn't matter, she is just the face I see

When I think of the words I want to exchange

The connection I want to make

The heart I don't want to ache

No, no it isn't like that

Just a friend who seems to know how

who seems to understand

who takes me exactly as I am

and when I pause she doesn't interrupt,

And when I breathe she doesn't automatically have to fill the silence...

She can just enjoy it.

___

Ah, yes, the familiar desire to share another 1:35 a.m. with someone who understands without me having to explain

Who wouldn't mind if I called because this person would be awake...

I'm waiting for you, if you have nothing to gain but a conversation.

Otherwise, it can wait, maybe forever if you're an emotional (or any sort of) scammer.

___

Spammer hammer the green you can't see but would do anything to bring,

hammer it into my brain

keep trying to trick me into thinking I need it too

You'll never convince me that I need you.

Come to me, I'll have a baseball bat waiting

Ready to fucking swing into your fucking head

If you think you can take advantage,

Please come and get it

I am strong enough to fight you off

I am strong enough to kill

I'd hate to have to,

I'd hate to have to but I will.

___

Preferable always is peace.

Peace to war

Being and enjoying quiet

Being able live without being violent...

Why stop dreaming?  Perhaps this dream can come true, if we truly want it to.  Maybe if we eliminate the perhaps and the maybe we can make it a reality...why not drop the "can" and replace it with will?

Found this when doing some anciliary reseach for my paper on why there should be a new investigation into 9/11.  Quite interesting.

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/18137343/the_fear_factory/3

Originaly came across it at http://911blogger.com

Enjoy.

It is over, I am alone.

I don't have any room for regrets.

I wish her the best.

___

I am alone.

I am alive.

I see no way to go but forward, no steps to take that are not deliberate and confident, no breaths to take that aren't savored.

___

I am not alone.

I am connected to the world around me, to the people and the animals and the trees and the wind, to Mana, Gaia, Goddess, Universe.

I see no way to live but to live for the pure sake of it, learn to understand, approach death with a smile.

Do you know who I am?

I am glad to hear, this semi-accurate but inevitably incomplete portrayal
of the man in front of you, swearing his incapability of such betrayal

Do you know what I want?

I have to tell you, you say, impressively ignoring how clear the truth is again
Everything I know is changing, nothing staying the same, and you know as well as I

That I am as lost as you
Probably more
Because you are so sure
Of what I am not...

I don't want to miss you anymore, I don't want to love you anymore, I don't want to want you next to me, because you don't have what I need

and I don't have what you need

How can you know who I am?

I am constantly changing

How can you know what I want?

I am still learning myself...

End it or don't, end it or don't, end it or don't, end it or don't, end it or don't, end it or don't, end it or don't, end it or don't...you don't know who I am, you'll never know who I am, I want you to know who I am, but how can you know if I don't?  How can I know if I am still growing, still learning, still changing, still spreading roots into the soil, still learning the true meaning of love, death, life, this moment?

RIGHT NOW, what do I want?

(to be continued)

I should give Ted a call; he's the family tax guy.

___

Taxes you say?  I don't need to read about taxes!  I read enough about them! 

Well, luckily for you this entry has nothing more to say on the subject of what is owed to Uncle Sam.

MINdFULNESS!  What glory can be achieved by a simple walk in the cold winter air, what beauty the trees indulge, or perhaps I indulge myself to recognize.  The violet clouds change as the unseen sun sinks lower, and I find myself singing an old song I never finished.

"Riding on the train
Of my love, fear and pain
My fingers walk along these strings
On a casual stroll (pause) through memory"

I look at Annie, wondering how much her little legs can take on this walk.   Arthritis pains her, but she's vital today, tail wagging in eager anticipation for her next step, eagerness to be out for a walk with me.

Ah, such anticipation for simple steps is beautiful; the enthusiasm for taking a step is apparent throughout her old body.  What a way to live, excited about the prospect of taking a step.

I am thinking of another verse to add to this song.  Perhaps about trees...

And then another about me, and how I see them

and now I am playing my guitar, to busy to be bothered to write anymore.

I should give Ted a call; he's the family tax guy.

___

Taxes you say?  I don't need to read about taxes!  I read enough about them! 

Well, luckily for you this entry has nothing more to say on the subject of what is owed to Uncle Sam.

MINdFULNESS!  What glory can be achieved by a simple walk in the cold winter air, what beauty the trees indulge, or perhaps I indulge myself to recognize.  The violet clouds change as the unseen sun sinks lower, and I find myself singing an old song I never finished.

"Riding on the train
Of my love, fear and pain
My fingers walk along these strings
On a casual stroll (pause) through memory"

I look at Annie, wondering how much her little legs can take on this walk.   Arthritis pains her, but she's vital today, tail wagging in eager anticipation for her next step, eagerness to be out for a walk with me.

Ah, such anticipation for simple steps is beautiful; the enthusiasm for taking a step is apparent throughout her old body.  What a way to live, excited about the prospect of taking a step.

I am thinking of another verse to add to this song.  Perhaps about trees...

And then another about me, and how I see them

and now I am playing my guitar, to busy to be bothered to write anymore.